The Past is Never Far
by the story of a girl
Summary: When someone from Addison's past resurfaces, what effects will it have? Hmm, well I have a feeling there may be a little bit of angst, a little bit of fighting, and lots of loving for our favorite redhead! Maddison & AdDek[friendship] UPDATED FEB 22
1. Chapter 1

Hey all! New fic...Addison centric...the usual. Disclaimer: I don't own anything here. Never did, never will. Feedback is greatly appreciated!! Thanks :) 

**The Past is Never Far**

"Dr. Grey, what do we have here?" Derek Shepherd inquired about his new patient, though he was already well aware of the older man's ailment.

"David Harris, 61 years old, pituitary adenoma located in the-" The intern began.

"Ah, cut the crap, Derek. I know I have a tumor, you know I have tumor…do we really go over this again?"

"Mr. Harris," Derek began with a hint of frustration in his voice. "Seattle Grace is what we'd like to consider a teaching hospital. You of all people should understand this concept."

"Oh I understand it fine. But what you need to understand is that I came all the way to Seattle to hear what you have to say, not one of your interns."

"Do you two know each other?" Meredith nervously interjected.

"No." Derek replied flatly.

"Come on." The older man chuckled. He seemed oddly cheerful for someone preparing to undergo brain surgery. "Derek was one of my finest students. I always had high hopes for this one…and rightfully so!" He boasted.

"Oh!" The intern exclaimed. "So you were one of Dr. Shepherd's medical school professors?"

"Dr. Grey." Derek glared over at his girlfriend. "May I remind you that we're with a patient?"

"Ah, don't listen to him. We're old friends, he and I. Speaking of which, how's that friend of yours…what was her name…" The patient paused for a few seconds, "Addison? Yes, that was her name. How is Miss Montgomery doing these days? You two still in touch?" He paused. "Derek?"

"_Derek!" The young medical student nearly was jolted awake by the sound of someone pounding on his door. He took a moment to assess his surroundings and realized that once again, he had fallen asleep with his head buried inside one of his textbooks. He had almost forgotten why he had woken up in the first place until he heard the knocking again. "Who is it?" He mumbled, wondering who could possibly need something from him at 2 in the morning._

"_It's me." Addison didn't even need to say her name. Derek would recognize that voice anywhere._

_He combed a few fingers through his hair. "Do you know what time it is…" he began, but as soon as he caught a glimpse of the woman standing in the doorway he was taken aback. "Addie?" He asked breathlessly, as he ushered the young redhead inside. Her eyes were bloodshot, her face drawn, her gorgeous red hair in knots, though pulled back into a loose pony. What Derek noticed most of all, however, was the tear in his girlfriend's shirt. "What…" He could barely form a complete sentence as he led Addison toward the couch. "What happened?"_

_Addison tried to speak, but instead found herself gasping for air each time she opened up her mouth. She was shaking uncontrollably by this point and was clearly having difficulty breathing. "Can't…breathe…" She gasped, starting to panic. _

"_Okay, it's okay. Don't try to talk right now, sweetie." He kneeled in front of her, taking her hands in his own. "Just breathe." He soothed. "Come on, slow deep breaths."_

"_I can't, Derek, I-"_

"_Breathe in for three seconds, out for three seconds." He instructed. "In three…out three…" Derek tried helping Addison through her panic attack, though he felt as if he too may experience an attack at any moment. "In…out…" He repeated, noticing her breath slowing, though still somewhat ragged. "It's okay." He moved closer to Addison. "Whatever it is, Addie. You know we'll fix it. Just breathe."_

"_I'm so sorry, Derek." Addison finally managed to speak, though her words began a stream of endless sobs. "I said no, I swear I did. I tried to get away. Derek, I'm so sorry." She sobbed, her entire body tensing as she felt him coming closer, but loosening up a bit as she allowed herself to fall into his embrace. She pulled at the fabric of Derek's t-shirt, almost ripping it with her bare hands as she cried. _

"_Why are you apologizing?" No response. "Addison." He spoke more firmly this time. "I need you to talk to me."_

"_He…" She started gasping again. "Raped me." The redhead sobbed. "I told him no but I…he…"_

"_What?" Derek had heard what Addison had just told him, but refused to believe it._

"_Raped me, Derek! He raped me!" Addison shouted._

"_Who, Addison? Who did?" Derek felt his face flush; the adrenaline rushing through each and every bone in his body. _

_Addison, however, was still shaking and sobbing uncontrollably and could not yet bring herself to respond to his question. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." She kept repeating. _

"_Why are you sorry, baby? This isn't your fault." He whispered, rocking her gently. "You know this isn't your fault. Shh, Addie please." _

"_It is my fault!" She cried out, ripping herself away from Derek's embrace. "He told me to come to his office. Told me it was about placement for a God damn internship!" She laughed through her tears. "An internship, Derek! How could I have been so stupid?!"_

"_Wait, wait. Slow down. Who are we talking about here?"_

"_You can't tell anyone." Addison, though still in tears, had calmed down enough to speak clearly. "Please. You have to promise me."_

"_Why?" His frustration was obvious. _

"_Because I'll fail his class if anyone finds out. I can't afford to fail, Derek. Not now. Not when we're so close to graduating." She brushed a few loose strands away from her face. "You have to promise me that you won't tell anyone."_

"_Addie…"_

"_Derek, please." She looked him straight in the eye. Derek would never admit it, but he was absolutely terrified._

"_Okay. I promise." He regretted the words as soon as they escaped his lips. "Just tell me who did this to you."_

_Addison hesitated, trying to collect her thoughts. "It was Dr. Harris."_

"Dr. Shepherd…?" Meredith tried to get Derek's attention. "Uh, Derek?" She waved a hand in front of his face.

Derek snapped back to reality. "I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

"He asked about Addison." Meredith repeated the patient's question.

"Right." Derek nodded. "Addison isn't here." He shook his head furiously. "She doesn't…she doesn't work here." He spoke quickly, obviously unsure of his words. "Excuse me."

"I'll be back to check on you a bit later, Mr. Harris." Meredith attempted to smile through her confusion. She walked down the hallway, quickening her pace as soon as she caught sight of Derek. "What was that all about?" She asked, desperately attempting to keep up with her boyfriend.

"Not now."

"Derek!" She grabbed his arm, forcing him to stop for a moment. "What's going on?"

He shook his head, "Meredith, I need you to do something for me, okay?"

"Okay."

"Don't let David Harris find out that Addison's a doctor here." He spoke sternly. "And don't let her find out that he's a patient."


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey all! Thanks so much for the reviews. Here's chapter two, I'll try to update as much as possible…Enjoy!**

**Chapter 2**

Derek kept a close eye on his ex-wife for the remainder of the afternoon. Even though he was not supposed to "feel" for her anymore, he still had the instinctual need to protect her. Dr. Harris' visit brought back memories that Derek had not thought about in years. Not only was he reminded of the traumatic night that Addison came to his doorstep, but also the days that followed. As promised, Derek never mentioned the rape to anyone regardless of the fact that it ripped him apart inside. He could barely sit through Dr. Harris' lectures without getting a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. Addison, on the other hand, handled the whole situation with a remarkable sense of maturity. She continued to attend Dr. Harris' lectures and worked just as hard as before to do well in his class.

Derek became incredibly protective of Addison after her experience. Wherever she went, he wanted to be there too. He refused to see her get hurt again. Derek could not pinpoint when exactly he stopped feeling this way during the course of their marriage. Back in medical school Derek's life revolved around making sure that Addison would never get hurt. Never would he have guessed that he would be the one to hurt her most of all.

Out of the corner of his eye, Derek spotted Addison and Mark across the lobby. At first it bothered him that the two of them were dating. Yet in time he came to realize that Addison wasn't his responsibility. She was plenty capable of making her own choices.

"Hey." Derek casually included himself in Addison and Mark's conversation.

"Hey…" Addison seemed a bit perplexed as her ex-husband approached. Derek was not one to initiate conversation between the three of them.

Derek, Mark, and Addison stood in silence for a few moments. "Well, as fantastically awkward as this situation may be, I have a consult to get to." Mark muttered, "I'll see you later." Mark planted a delicate kiss on Addison's lips before heading out.

Addison blushed, avoiding eye contact with Derek. "Sorry about that."

"It's alright. We're all adults here, aren't we?" Derek responded.

The redhead raised an eyebrow. "I guess we are."

"So." Derek broke the silence. "How are things with you and Mark?"

"Good. Things are good." Addison nodded, brushing her a few stray hairs out of her face. "Uh, you and Meredith?" She felt obliged to ask.

"Also good." He replied. "And you? How are you doing?"

"What's this about, Derek?" She grew suspicious.

"Nothing!" He replied defensively. "Just checking up on a friend."

"Oh, so we're friends now?"

"We never stopped being friends, you know that."

"Actually, I recall you mentioning something about never wanting to speak to me again." Addison scribbled a few words down on her patient's chart.

Derek sighed. "I was upset. You know I didn't mean any of that."

The redhead shrugged.

"I'm sorry."

"Please." She held up a hand in protest. "It's water under the bridge."

"I miss talking to you, Addison."

"Okay…" The redhead looked up.

"Is it really that hard to believe?"

"No, I mean…I miss talking to you too." Her voice softened. "I just didn't think that you wanted that right now. I didn't know we were ready."

"Well, we are." He smiled. "I mean, don't you think so? We've both moved on. I'd say we're mature enough to handle friendship."

Addison took off her glasses. "Okay." She smiled softy. "We're friends."

"Good." Derek nodded, resting his back up against the desk. "Glad we've got that settled."

"So…as your friend, can I ask why you're acting so strange?" Her tone was casual.

"Strange, how?"

"I don't know. You seem a little off." She closed her patient's chart and looked up. "Is everything okay?"

"Totally fine. Never better actually. Had a fantastic surgery this morning." He spoke quickly, wishing he could find a way to change the subject.

"You're an awful liar." Addison rolled her eyes. "Tell me what's wrong."

"Addison, it's nothing."

"Really?" She seemed genuinely concerned at this point.

"Really." Derek reassured her. "You worry too much."

"Fine." She sighed, though clearly dissatisfied. "I have to go anyway." Addison headed off in the direction of Mr. Harris' room.

"Where are you going!" He shouted.

"To check on one of my patients," Addison whirled around, "Where do you think?"

"That's not how you get to the nursery." Derek pointed out.

"I'm not going to the nursery…" Addison shook her head. "Derek, what's going on?"

"Nothing, I was just trying to -"

"Trying to what? Show me around Seattle Grace? I think I've got it covered." She was clearly frustrated. "Is there something that you don't want me to see?"

"No, I just…"

"Just what, Derek? I don't have time for your stupid games right now." She huffed. "Tell me what's going on."

"Addison -"

"Tell me." She began staring him down. One of Addison's most prized discoveries was the art of forcing a response out of Derek with her own two eyes.

Derek sighed, but couldn't bring himself to say anything more. He realized that while trying to protect Addison, he ended up laying the track work to hurt her again. "I didn't want you to find out like this."

She delicately placed her hand on top of his. "It's okay, Derek." She flashed a reassuring smile, though in her mind she was preparing for the worst. '_Meredith and I are engaged and moving back to New York' _she imagined him saying. "Talk to me."

"It's not me, it's one of my patients…"

"A patient?" Addison felt a wave of relief rush through her.

"Here." He slid David Harris' chart over so that Addison could take a look at it.

Addison glanced over the papers quickly. She didn't see any rare medical disease or extraordinary illness. However, she felt her entire body freeze up once she read the name 'David Harris'. She stared blankly at the piece of paper, but didn't feel anything. It was as if her body went completely numb. She noticed a figure standing next to her, and remembered that Derek was still by her side. "David Harris." She spoke softly.

"I shouldn't have told you."

"No." Addison shook her head, forcing a smile. "It's fine. I'm glad you did." Her eyes darted across the room, making sure no one was eavesdropping in on their conversation. "It's nothing I can't handle."

"I'm an idiot." Derek could see that she was visibly shaken up.

"I'm fine!" She repeated, though her words were far from convincing. "That was so long ago."

"I didn't want you finding out from someone else…"

"Let me know how it goes with him, okay? Pituitary Adem…Adem" She couldn't even pronounce Dr. Harris' ailment, though she knew it well. "Well, good luck with that." She rushed her words. "I um, I have to check on my patient now, okay?" Addison felt a fresh batch of tears glazing over her eyes.

"Addie…"

"No, it's fine." She repeated. "Really, Derek. I'm okay."

Addison tried to breathe as she slowly made her way through the corridors of Seattle Grace. About halfway down the hall she was struck by a wave of dizziness and could not continue. She leaned back against the wall and closed her eyes. "Breathe, Addison." She tried to soothe herself. "Just relax…"

"

--------------------------------------------------- _Just relax, Miss Montgomery." Dr. Harris inched closer to the female student. _

"_I really should go. I um, I have to get a few things done before class tomorrow."_

"_I think you should stay." Dr. Harris grinned, delicately placing a hand on Addison's knee. "We could get to know one another a little better."_

"_I'll see you in class." Addison rose from her seat. "Goodbye."_

"_Leaving so soon? I don't think so." The older man smiled, coming up from behind Addison, letting his palm slide over her right breast._

_Addison was too petrified to move. Instead, she stood completely still, feeling the warmth of his palm against the material of her blouse. "Please don't do this." She whispered, feeling herself beginning to grow weak._

"_Aw, come on. Don't be shy. You want this just as badly as I do." He pushed her onto the couch, positioning himself on top of her. "You've wanted it since day one." _

"_Don't..." Addison could barely speak._

"_I've seen the way you look at me, Addison Montgomery." He kissed her hard, tearing her shirt off. "You wanted this all along." _

"_Stop! Please stop!" She cried out, but her words were useless. "Oh god, please…" She felt herself beginning to sob. "Don't do this." Addison felt completely powerless. Her cries were a waste of energy. The only thing that she could do was lie there and wait for the torment to end._ ------------------------------------------------------- 

Mark noticed his girlfriend hunched over in the corner. "Addison?" He squeezed her right shoulder.

"Stop!!!" She shouted, instantly bringing attention to herself. "Don't…don't touch me." She was short of breath.

"What's wrong?" He stepped back, giving her space to breathe.

Addison shook her head furiously, "Please don't touch me." She felt a single tear escape and walked off, leaving Mark completely clueless.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks SO MUCH for the feedback. I'm glad you're enjoying this story! And for those of you concerned about Mark being in the dark (ha..rhyme…yeahh.) Don't worry. He'll be in the know soon enough.**

**Chapter 3**

If there was one thing that bothered Mark more than anything else, it was seeing Addison in pain. Funny, considering how many times he had hurt in the past. In his defense, however, he would claim that she had hurt him first. He cheated with a few other women in New York because the only person Addison seemed to care about was Derek. So instead of confronting the issue directly, Mark handled the situation in the only way he knew how. He slept around to see if it would affect Addison at all. Would it bother her if he was with another woman? Did she care about him enough to even notice?

Regardless of their history, Addison and Mark always found a way back to one another. Neither one could deny their feelings for the other, and had finally decided to turn their old habits into a relationship about two months prior. Their relationship was strong, held together by a deep connection that even Mark and Addison themselves couldn't understand.

After Addison snapped at him, Mark followed her down the hallway, hoping that she would eventually slow down and that the two of them could talk. Yet much to Mark's dismay, Addison approached Derek instead. Mark could not make out what they were saying, but was caught off guard when Derek wrapped his arms around Addison right in the middle of the hospital and proceeded to take her into the closest on-call room.

"What the…" Mark ran a few fingers through his hair. "Dr. Torres." Mark approached the female doctor. "Can you explain this to me?"

"I'm busy, Mark." Callie brushed past the older man.

"Don't tell me you didn't see that."

"See what?" She was getting increasingly frustrated with his questions.

"Derek and Addison!" He stated the obvious.

"Oh." She didn't seem too concerned. "Guess I missed it."

"Well, they just went into an on-call room together, in case you were wondering."

"And this is our business because…" She raised an eyebrow.

"Think about it."

"You're pathetic."

Mark shook his head. "She'll never get over him, will she?"

"Mark…" Callie felt it necessary to actually start paying attention to their conversation. "Addison is with _you_. She's devoted to _you_." She stated boldly. "Derek is with Meredith. I think the entire population of Seattle is aware of that by now. Derek and Addison, on the other hand, are over. You know that." She lowered her eyes. "Try not to take this so personally."

Mark shrugged. "You're a hard-ass you know that?"

"Excuse me?" Callie couldn't help but laugh.

"No, no. It's good. You tell it like it is. That's a good quality to have."

"I'm married, Mark." She rolled her eyes.

"Just because I'm giving you a compliment doesn't mean that I'm coming on to you. I have a girlfriend." He stated proudly.

"You certainly do." The brunette muttered. "Are we done here?"

"One more thing…" Mark began, "Do you know what's going on with Addison?"

"I haven't spoken to her in a couple of days, why?"

"I don't know." He shook his head. "Something's up. I tried to touch her just now and she freaked."

"Sex in public places isn't for everyone." She added sarcastically.

"You really think I'm some sex-crazed scumbag, don't you?"

"Basically."

"Well, for your information I wasn't trying to seduce her. She was hunched over… looked like she was about to pass out."

"Really?" Suddenly Callie felt herself growing a bit concerned.

"Mhm. I just wanted to see if she was okay and she snapped at me." Mark shook his head. "Yet naturally she found support in the loving arms of Derek Shepherd. He's quite a guy."

"You're jealous, Mark. You're jealous of something you know nothing about." She sighed. "Addison's probably just going through something right now. She may not want to bother you with it."

"She's Addison." Mark replied softly. "She's never a bother."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"I don't know why I'm acting like this." Addison paced around the on-call room. "It was so long ago. I shouldn't even care anymore!"

"Addison - " Derek tried to interrupt.

"I mean, he's an old man with a brain tumor." She laughed to herself. "What could he possibly do to me? I'm overreacting." She brushed away another tear. "I tend to do that." She shook her head. "Who in their right mind is afraid of an old man with a brain tumor?"

Derek couldn't listen to his ex-wife's ramblings any longer. He slowly came up from behind. "Addison." He whispered, feeling her entire body tense up. "Come sit down."

"No." She shook her head. "I can't afford to lose it right now, Derek." She dabbed at a few fresh tears. "And if you …if you sit me down and hold my hand and do whatever else it is your planning on doing…well, I don't think I could handle that." The redhead's words were barely audible.

Derek led her over to the bottom bunk, with complete disregard to her protests. "You sit here," He instructed. "And I'll go on the top bunk. Does that work?"

"Derek..."

"Let's give it a shot." Derek smiled faintly, climbing onto the top bunk. "So, I told Harris you didn't work here." He began.

"Please. I'm sure he looked up both of us. I mean yes, he's got a tumor…but it's nothing out of the ordinary. Any brain surgeon could have done the procedure." She laid back on the cot. "Did he really need to use the best?"

"Better yet, did he really need to pay for the best?" Derek smirked. "You don't have to see him though, you know that. His surgery is tomorrow morning. He'll be in recovery for a bit, but we'll get him out of here as soon as possible."

"It's not that." Addison closed her eyes. "I just hadn't thought about him in so long, you know? I think I blocked out that night for a while. And now, right when I'm finally starting to be happy again - " her voice cracked. "He comes back." She rolled into the fetal position.

It killed Derek not to be down there with her. "I know how hard this is for you, Addie. I do. We'll get through this. We did it once, we can do it again." He waited for a response, but did not get one. After a few seconds Derek could not resist any longer and slowly climbed down, peering into the bottom bunk where Addison was curled up facing the wall. He could see her shoulders shaking slightly. "You okay?" He asked, though he already knew the answer.

She rolled over, looking up at her ex-husband. "I told you not to - " Addison slowly sat up.

"I know." He replied, gently taking her into his arms. "I couldn't help it."

Addison instantly found comfort in her ex-husband's embrace. "I don't know what to do, Derek."

"I wish I had an answer for you." He traced small circles on her back. "You just have to try and take things it one day at a time."

"I hate him so much." She whimpered.

"I know." Derek replied softly, unsure of what else he could possibly say. He held her close, waiting until she was ready to speak again.

"I'm glad you're here." Addison slowly pulled herself away from Derek.

"Me too." He took a breath. "This reminds me of med school."

"Crying in an on-call room?" She smirked. "We must have had some good times."

"No, not that. Just the idea of Derek and Addison." He paused, realizing what he had said. "Not…not like that." He tried to clear the air. "Before we were even dating. I'm talking the first couple of years. We were inseparable."

"Hey, we had other friends." She added.

"Of course we did. But at the end of the day it was always Derek and Addison." He paused, realizing how silent the room had become.

"Yeah." Addison smiled, leaning in to kiss Derek. She was acting solely on impulse.

"Don't." He broke away. "We're friends." He looked her deep in the eye. "Just friends."

"God, I'm sorry." Addison buried her head in her hands. "I don't…I don't even know what came over me."

"It's okay." Derek's voice softened. "It's my fault too. I shouldn't have…" He took a breath, deciding it would be better not to finish his sentence. "I should go." Derek gently squeezed Addison's shoulder. "Call me if you need anything."


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for the delay in updating this fic!! I literally rewrote this chapter five or six times before I was satisfied with it. It went from blahh, to angsty, to ridiculously angsty, to angry…and well…here it is now haha. Again, reviews are always appreciated. Thank you so much!!**

**Chapter 4**

After her endless day, Addison finally returned to the hotel room she called home for what she hoped would be a relaxing evening. She shared a single room with Mark, and though it was a tight squeeze it certainly beat the trailer she had been living in with Derek.

"I didn't expect you to be home yet." She walked inside to see Mark lying on the bed watching television.

"Disappointed?" He asked bitterly.

"No." She was taken aback. "Just surprised."

"I'm sure." He muttered.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Me?" He glanced over. "There's nothing wrong with me. You on the other hand..."

"Look, I'm sorry that I snapped at you earlier. Don't be so sensitive." She tossed her coat onto the couch.

Mark ignored her remark and continued to stare at the television screen.

"So, what…you're not speaking to me now?" She put her hands on her hips, disgusted with her boyfriend's behavior. "Real mature, Mark." She shook her head. "Remind me why I put up with you?"

"Ha, you're one to talk." He shrugged.

"Excuse me?"

"I saw you with Derek today."

"I don't know what you're talking about." She tried defending herself.

"Oh, cut the crap, Addison. You ran away from me and went straight to him."

"Were you following me?"

"You're my girlfriend. I was concerned. Unlike you, I actually care about the person I'm in a relationship with."

"You wouldn't understand."

"No, I understand perfectly. You still think you have a chance with Derek, and you're just keeping me around as a spare."

"How can you say that? Derek and I are divorced. " She was truly hurt by his accusation. "Up until today we were hardly even speaking."

Mark stood up, getting closer to Addison. "How long is it gonna take for you to realize that he doesn't love you anymore?" His words were harsh, but he didn't really care.

"Go to hell." She turned around.

"He doesn't want you, Addison!"

"Get out." Her voice was firm, though she was not shouting.

"I took care of you. That night when Derek left…when your so-called 'world' came crashing down…who was there? Me." Mark was becoming increasingly agitated. "Derek was my _best friend_. He was my family, Add. Do you understand that? I could have tried patching things up with him, but no. I stayed with you."

"Don't you dare make me feel guilty about this, Mark. _You_ made the decision to stay with me. _You_ made the decision to SLEEP with me. I didn't force you to do anything!"

"Then you leave me for Derek even though he had no intentions of taking you back." Mark continued, completely disregarding Addison's words. "We could have been so happy…but no, you wanted Derek. And now…now when you claimed to have moved on… we start getting close again and of course good old Doctor Shepherd swoops in and saves the day."

"Don't blame Derek for our problems."

"Oh, I'm not. I hold you fully responsible, Addison. I'm not the screw up of this relationship."

"Mark…"

"I don't know what you want from me! I love you, Addison. But I can't wait around my whole life waiting for you to get over your ex-husband."

"Mark." She interjected again, trying to ignore the fact that he had just indirectly proclaimed his love for her.

"After things didn't work out with Derek you just quit. You don't even try anymore."

"Mark!" She finally caught his attention. She waited a few moments, making sure that he was not planning on interrupting her. "You really want to know why I was with Derek today? Fine. Here it is." She took a breath. "In my last year of medical school I was raped by my favorite professor." She came right out and said it. No use beating around the bush at this point. "He brought me into his office to talk about an internship, and then pinned me down to the couch and raped me." She saw the look of horror on Mark's face and it actually brought her pleasure.

"What?"

"You heard me." She glared back at him. "I never told anyone about this except for Derek. You want to know why? Because I refused to jeopardize my career."

"My God…" Mark whispered, taking a seat on the couch.

"So today Derek informs me that my former professor is in Seattle to have a brain tumor removed, which means that the man who raped me is in Seattle Grace. I don't know if I'm going to see him or not, but he's there." She felt herself on the verge of a breakdown, but used the little strength she had left to keep it together. "I'm petrified. Absolutely petrified…" Her voice trailed off. She noticed Mark staring at her and snapped back to reality. "And that is why I was with Derek today." She cleared her throat. "So while you were off in a jealous rage figuring out what you could possibly do to further destroy me, I was breaking down in an on-call room with the only person who understands what I'm going through." She cleared her throat. "Satisfied?"

"I…I don't even know what to say."

"Can't help you there, babe."

"I'm so sorry." He whispered. "Addie, I'm so sorry." He knelt down next to her.

"It's a little late for that." She nodded.

"What can I do, just tell me what to do." He reached for her hand, but she pulled away. "Please."

Addison actually saw tears in Mark's eyes, but wasn't impressed. "Ugh, please don't grovel." She rolled her eyes.

"If I knew…baby, if I knew…" He could hardly finish a sentence. "Just tell me what I can do to make this up to you." He repeated.

"I need…" She hesitated. "I need you to leave. Rent another room for the night. I'll pay for it. I don't care. I just need you out of here."

"No way am I leaving you alone tonight." He protested.

Addison closed her eyes, taking a breath. "I'm trying really hard to keep it together right now, Mark." She felt her voice becoming unsteady. "You need to leave."

"Let me sleep in the bathtub or something." He pleaded. "You won't even know I'm here. Please let me stay."

"The bathtub, Mark?" She raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not leaving you alone."

"So stubborn…" Addison mumbled under her breath. "Fine. I'm too tired to argue right now. Sleep in the damn tub."

"Thank you." Mark looked at Addison for a few seconds. She was trying so hard to keep it together, but he knew that all she really wanted was for someone to hold her. That's all she ever wanted. She felt so alone even though he was right there in front of her.

Whether or not she chose to admit it, Addison still ran to Derek for protection and support. He was still perfect in her eyes, and finding out about the rape provided Mark with some insight about why she felt that way. "I love you, Add." Mark spoke softly.

"Don't say that." Addison began unmaking the bed.

"I wish I didn't." He lowered his head. "I don't want to love someone who will never allow herself to love me back."

"You don't love me, Mark. You don't even know what love is." Her words were cold.

"Don't be so sure." He sighed. "Goodnight, Addison."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

The following morning Addison awoke exactly two minutes before her alarm went off as usual. Her head ached terribly and she genuinely wished that she had the day off. Unfortunately, she had no such luck.

The redhead combed a few fingers through her hair, stumbling into the bathroom. "You actually slept in here all night?" She looked down at the figure in the tub.

"Mm..." Mark yawned, not fully conscious yet.

"You should have just gotten another room…"

"Yep." He agreed. "I'll know that for next time."

"Well, get up." She switched on the light. "I have to get ready."

"What time is it?" Mark groaned, shielding his eyes from the light.

"5:30." She replied, tapping her foot. "Get up, Mark." She repeated.

"Aright, aright." He muttered. "One second." He slowly made his way out of the tub. "Shit." He muttered.

"What?"

"My back..." He attempted to stretch.

"Poor baby." Addison rolled her eyes.

"You still mad at me?"

"I have to take a shower." She shut the door, neglecting to answer Mark's question. She was starting to feel a bit guilty for the way that she was treating him, but was too stubborn to back down.

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Addison managed to keep herself fairly busy throughout the morning. She had a complicated surgery which consumed her for a few hours, and a few patients to check in on here and there. She basically did everything in her power to avoid thinking about Dr. Harris' surgery.

"You look like shit." Callie sat down with Addison for lunch around 12:00.

"Thank you." Addison raised her coffee cup. "I had a pretty rough night."

"Care to elaborate?"

"Not really."

"Fine. Then I'll be forced to sit here and talk about the endless joys of marriage." Callie teased. "Oh, to be a newlywed…"

"God, spare me." Addison knew that Callie wouldn't let her get off that easily. "Mark told me he loved me." She was not willing to talk about her professor, but it wasn't too difficult for her to bring up the next best thing.

"Wow." She seemed surprised. "What'd you do?"

"I made him sleep in the tub." She shrugged.

"The tub?"

"What? It's not like I forced him. That was actually his idea. I told him he could rent another room for the night, but he insisted on sleeping in the bathroom." She noticed Callie's expression. "It's a big tub."

"Did you at least talk to him first?"

"If by saying that he was incapable of loving someone counts as talking, then yes. I did."

"You're worse than George." Callie smirked, thinking back to when she first proclaimed her love for her husband.

"Hey!"

"You really don't love him back?"

Addison laughed. "Are you kidding me? He's Mark!"

"And?"

"And what? You slept with him! You know how he is." She shouted, causing a table of nurses to turn their heads. "Sorry." She lowered her voice. "But really..." She exclaimed. "Mark isn't capable of loving just one woman."

"He moved to Seattle for you. That's got to mean something."

"Why are you defending him?" Addison began taking this as a personal attack.

"I'm not. All I'm saying is that it was probably a huge step for him to say that he loved you and to just shoot him down like that…well, it hurts. Trust me."

Addison glared. "Whose side are you on here?"

"Yours." Callie explained unconvincingly. "Come on, Addison. You know I don't like Mark." She explained. "I'm just saying that if you really felt like he was such a…" Callie searched for the correct term.

"Manwhore?" Addison interrupted.

"Yeah, that. If you really thought he was such a 'manwhore' you wouldn't be dating him. You would have sent him packing weeks ago." She lowered her voice. "You want him here. Maybe you don't realize it yet, but you do." She took a bite of her sandwich. "I think you're just scared to commit."

"Can you really blame me?" Addison's voice softened.

"Addison…" Callie realized that her words had really hit home.

"No, it's okay." Addison nodded. "It's true. It's just that…" She hesitated to continue.

"Just what?" Callie asked gently.

"Every man I've ever been with has hurt me, you know? Some more than others, needless to say…" She carried on. "But I don't know if I want to go through it all again. I don't know if it's worth it." She took a sip of coffee.

"But you don't want to be alone either."

Addison rested her head in her hands. "Ugh, I don't know what I want. Maybe Mark was right."

"Now that's hard to believe." The brunette urged her to continue.

"He said I was just keeping him around as a spare…and maybe that's all it is. Maybe I'm just using him so I don't have to be alone."

"You and I both know it's a lot deeper than that."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because why Mark Sloane? You could have slept with some guy you picked up at a bar. You keep going back to Mark for a reason."

"Need I remind you that _he's_ the one who decided to move out here? I didn't force him."

"No, but you're the one who called him in the first place."

"He just…he gets it. He gets _me_. I can't really explain it. He knows everything about me." She paused, "Literally, everything. Yet he's still here. I don't know why."

"Because he loves you."

"Apparently."

"Let me ask you this. Can you imagine yourself with anyone else right now?"

"I guess not." Addison looked up. "Ultimately I would have liked for things to have worked out with Derek… "

"But they didn't." Callie interrupted.

"No." She forced a smile. "Which is probably for the best." She felt as if she needed to clear the air. "Mark thinks I'm still in love with Derek though." Addison tucked back her hair.

" 'Him' as in Derek?"

"Mhm."

"Well, are you?"

"No!" Addison was offended.

"Alright, calm down. It was just a question."

"I'm sick of everyone thinking I still have feelings for my ex-husband."

"And by everyone you mean…?"

"You and Mark." She replied dryly. "You're really the only two people I speak to on a regular basis so to me, you're everyone."

Callie smiled, leaning back in her seat. "Well, I hope things clear up with Mark. He's an ass, but you two are pretty good together."

"I don't know whether to thank you or be offended." Addison smirked.

Callie laughed, noticing Derek coming closer to the table. "Ah, look who decided to stop by…"

"Hm?" Addison turned around. "Oh."

"Afternoon, ladies." Derek approached. "Addison, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Yeah. Um, just a second." She seemed uncomfortable.

"Sure. I'll be right inside."

"Okay." She nodded.

"Right over there." He pointed out.

"Yes, Derek, thank you. I got it." Addison was relieved when Derek finally walked away. "I have to go." She looked over at Callie. "But would you maybe want to grab a drink later?"

"Sure." Callie replied.

"Great." Addison turned around, "Thank you by the way. I'm always bombarding you with my nonsense, even though I'm sure you have a million other things to think aboiut…"

"Addison." Callie interrupted. "You're welcome. Now, go. I'll see you later."

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"Hey." Addison casually approached her ex-husband. "Sorry about that, I was just um…you know." She wasn't quite sure why she was acting so awkward around him.

"It's fine." He smiled. "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay." She nodded, forcing a smile.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I'm doing pretty well."

"Okay." Derek replied, though he wasn't buying Addison's act. "I just wanted to let you know that Harris' surgery went well this morning."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "He's in recovery now."

"Well that's good to hear. Tumor free…that's the uh…that's the way to be, right?" Addison's lame attempt to disguise her pain with a rhyme was actually quite pathetic. "Not funny. My apologies."

"He asked for you again." Derek looked down at his feet. "He knows you're here, Addison."

"Oh." Addison spoke softly. "What did he say?"

"He asked how you were. That's all. I told him I didn't speak to you anymore and he said, 'how can you not speak to someone who works in the same hospital?'"

"That's actually not that difficult…" Addison tried to avoid the subject. "We've rarely spoken since I moved here." She joked, trying to lighten the mood.

"You don't have to see him, you know."

"No, I will." She regained some power back in her voice. "I…I should. I mean, he flew all the way out here. I should at least find out why."

"Well, he did have a tumor…"

"Don't flatter yourself, Derek."

"What do you think he'll say?" He posed the question as gently as possible.

"I don't know. He probably just wants to see how much of a screw-up I am."

"Then he'll be pretty disappointed."

"True." Addison couldn't help but smile. "That's true."

"I'm proud of you, Add. You're handling this whole thing a lot better than I would have expected."

"Thanks." She spoke softly, avoiding his gaze. She didn't think she was handling the situation very well at all, but appreciated his words. "I'm trying."

"Does Mark know?" He felt compelled to ask.

"I didn't want to tell him…" Addison suddenly felt ashamed.

"But you did." He confirmed.

"I had to."

"How'd he react?" Derek was actually quite interested.

"We were sort of fighting when he found out, so it's hard to say."

"Oh." Derek felt tension building. "I'm sorry."

"Please. It's fine. I don't…I don't really want to talk about it right now."

"Of course not." Derek agreed. "I'll let you go." He gave her arm a gentle squeeze. "Take care of yourself."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

After spending most of her day thinking about David Harris, Addison decided that it would be in her best interest to see him as soon as possible. Maybe it would provide her with the sense of closure and relief that she so desired. Unfortunately, she also realized that she had very little support at this point. Her ego prevented her from reaching out to Mark, while her own self-consciousness kept her from Derek.

After further consideration, however, Addison started warming up to the idea of being on her own. '_You are Addison Montgomery.' _She told herself. _'You don't need anyone._' She repeated this phrase so many times in her mind that she actually started believing it. _'You don't need anyone but yourself…'_

After finishing her rounds, Addison approached Dr. Harris' hospital room. Visiting hours had already ended, so she was confident that she would have privacy. Addison slowly opened the door, making her way inside. Harris was asleep, his head bandaged and his skin much paler than she had remembered. His features, however, were still very much the same. Regardless of the fact that he had aged quite a bit, Addison had to admit that he looked well.

Addison froze in the corner of her professor's hospital room. She wanted so badly to approach the man who raped her. She wanted to scream and shout about how _he_ was the reason she had been so dependent on Derek, and how _he_ had caused her to fear the idea of being alone. _'I was perfect before you came along' _she told herself, though she knew that was far from the truth.

Unfortunately, she couldn't bring herself to speak. Just being in Dr. Harris' presence bombarded Addison with painful memories. She could see him on top of her; she felt his weight pressing down against her body. Addison suddenly lost her breath, realizing that no matter how confident she was, she didn't want to do this on her own. She needed support.

Suddenly the hallway leading out of Seattle Grace appeared to be miles long. A wave of dizziness washed over Addison as the color drained from her face. She used the wall for support and slowly tried to make it down to the end of the corridor. Her heart was racing, her breath becoming more ragged with each passing second.

Addison looked up and noticed a figure coming toward her. She wasn't sure who it was, but as soon as she felt his touch it became fairly obvious.

"Addison…" Mark steadied her shoulders.

"Hey." She was incredibly disoriented. "Mark. Hi."

"Are you okay?" He felt her body trembling. "Addison?"

"I think…" She broke away from him. "I think need to sit down." She felt herself growing faint.

"Whoa, whoa." He stood close to her, making sure that she wouldn't fall.

"Just…just a second, okay?" She leant up against the wall, gasping for air. She felt as if her own body was closing in on her. It became harder to breathe…harder to stand…almost impossible to speak…and then, in an instant, everything went black.

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Addison slowly opened her eyes to see that she was lying on an old, broken-in cot. It didn't take her very long to process that she was in an on-call room once again. She felt an oxygen mask covering her mouth and slowly removed it, trying to figure out what had just happened. She turned her head to the side and noticed Mark sitting a few feet away.

"Juice box?" Mark held out a box of apple juice.

Addison grunted, lazily attempting to get into a sitting position, but hitting her head against the top bunk on the way up. "Ow." She whimpered, resting her head in her hands.

"Ooh." Mark knelt down in front of her. "You okay?" He waited for a response. "Addison?"

"Just give me the damn juice box." She muttered bitterly.

Mark couldn't help but laugh a bit as he handed her the juice. "Let me see." He brushed a few loose hairs away from her forehead, checking to see where she had just hit her head. "You're okay. You might have a little bump tomorrow."

"Fantastic." She added sarcastically, sipping her juice. "This has _not_ been a good day for me." She whined.

"I can see that." He sat down next to her. "Let's get you home." He felt himself beginning to laugh again.

"What? Do you find this funny?" She finished her juice. "Mark!" She threw the empty container at him. "This is not a laughing matter." She cracked a smile.

"I'm sorry." He kissed her cheek. "You look adorable. That's all. I'm used to you being sexy all the time." He smirked. "This is different."

"I think the word you were looking for is pathetic, not adorable. But I'll take what I can get." She tried standing up, but was overcome by a wave of dizziness and practically fell into Mark's arms for support.

"So." He gently brought her back into a standing position. "Still mad at me?"

"Ugh, not now…" She tried avoiding the conversation.

"Come on, Add. I carried your lifeless body through Seattle Grace."

"How heroic."

"And I brought you juice! Oooh, and oxygen." He sounded like a ten-year-old. "Juice and oxygen. Who else would do that for you?"

"Enough!" She was not in the mood to listen to Mark whining for any longer. "Thank you for taking care of me. I really do appreciate it."

"So, you're not mad then?"

"I'm too tired to fight with you." She rolled her eyes.

"Good." He smiled, leading her slowly through the hospital. "I didn't know how much more of that I could take."

"Just watch it." She snapped. "Don't go off telling me that I'm in love with Derek when you know absolutely nothing."

"I'm sorry." He stopped walking, taking a moment to look her in the eye. "I'm an idiot."

"That you are." She took his hand. "But you're the idiot I want to be with, okay?"

"Okay." He smiled. "I can deal with that."

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Once they arrived back at the hotel, Addison found herself pacing back and forth across the room. She still was still out of sorts but was too anxious to lie down. She had actually felt significantly better in the on-call room than she did back at the hotel, though she couldn't understand why.

"You still a little dizzy?" Mark asked.

"Yeah." She replied softly, staring out the window.

"You should lie down, Add."

"Yeah." She repeated, not showing any signs of movement.

"Come on." He gently took her hand, leading her over to the bed. He laid down, wrapping his arms protectively around her. "Are you tired?" He smoothed back her hair.

"I guess." She blinked. "I don't know."

Mark put his palm up against Addison's forehead, checking for a fever.

"I'm not sick." She protested.

"Addison, you fainted tonight. You don't…you don't just pass out for no reason." He tried to be gentle with her. "Did something happen?"

"I um…" She began, taking a few moments to gather her thoughts. "I sort of…um…"

He felt her body tense up. "Try to relax."

"I went to see Dr. Harris…my uh, my professor. The one who...you know. I went to see him." She repeated. "I went to see him and then I passed out. That's all." She took a breath.

"Why did you visit him?"

"I don't know." She mumbled.

"Don't shut me out." He sighed. "Not now."

"Mark - "

"Addison." He stated firmly. "I need you to talk to me."

"I just want closure." Addison replied, her voice almost inaudible. "If I want to move on I need closure, you know?" She felt her eyes beginning to well up. "I never really dealt with this whole thing. I just waited for it pass…waited until it stopped hurting so much." She felt his grip tighten around her. "Time is supposed to heal all wounds, right?" She smiled through her pain.

"I can't answer that."

"Well, it doesn't."

Mark wasn't sure how to continue. "What did he say to you?"

"Nothing." Addison felt her tears beginning to spill, but continued to speak through them. "I couldn't do it."

"Hey." He pulled her up, resting her head in the crook of his neck. "Don't - " He was about to say _don't cry_ but realized that crying was the one thing that Addison absolutely needed to do. "Don't worry about it." He soothed.

"I can't do this alone." She wept softly.

"Shh, you don't have to. I'm right here, baby." He gently traced small circles on her back. "Right here."

"I was doing so well, Mark." She sobbed. "I hadn't thought about any of this shit in so long."

"Addison…" Mark had no idea what to say.

"But now he's back, and I can't get him out of my mind. I'm trying." Her words were difficult to comprehend. "I really am. I don't want to think about it anymore, but I can't stop. I'm trying so hard to stop…"

"Shh. We'll get through this." He rocked her gently. "I'm right here."

"I just want it to be over." Addison felt all the anguish she had been experiencing since she found out about Harris' return rushing through every inch of her body, and the more she tried to calm herself down, the worse it was getting. She decided it would just be best to let it all out. After all, her tears would have to subside eventually.

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"Are you cold?" Mark asked gently, feeling Addison's body still trembling slightly. She had cried for a solid twenty minutes, but seemed to be regaining her composure.

"A little." She replied.

Mark reached for the blanket at the end of the bed and pulled it up around Addison. "Better?"

"Mhm." She offered a faint smile. "Sorry I'm a mess."

"It's okay. I can't even imagine what you're going through right now."

"So you agree. I'm a mess." She retorted, though clearly teasing.

Mark laughed. "Life is messy, Add." He gently kissed the top of her head.

"It certainly is." The two lay quietly for a few moments. "I want to love you back." Addison spoke up.

"Stop. It doesn't matter right now."

"No, it does matter. You told me you loved me and I didn't even react."

"Addison, it's okay."

"It's just a little soon." She sighed, wrapping her arms around him. "But I'm trying." She kissed him softly. "I am."

"I know you are." He kissed her again. "And I'm not going anywhere."

"Thank you."

"Are you feeling better?"

"I am." She responded sleepily. "Tomorrow." She mumbled. "Tomorrow I'll talk to Harris."

"Okay." He replied, though he wished she would never speak to him. "I'll come with you."

"We'll see." She closed her eyes.

Mark felt his eyelids growing heavy. He held Addison close, kissing the back of her neck softly. "This definitely beats sleeping in the tub…" he murmured, drifting off into a deep sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey all, I apologize for taking so long to update. It's been a busy week. Hopefully I'll have more up soon! Thanks for all the feedback. I really appreciate it.**

**Chapter 7**

"Mark." Addison grumbled, rolling over to turn off her alarm. "Come on. We have to get up."

"Five more minutes." He buried his face in the pillow.

"Fine." She kissed him softly on the cheek. "I'll get in the shower first."

Normally Mark would offer to save some time by getting in the shower with her, but he was well aware that it would be inappropriate this morning. "How are you feeling?"

"Better."

"You should have some water." He yawned. "You're probably still dehydrated."

"I will."

"And if you start to feel dizzy…"

"Mark." Addison interrupted. "I'm a doctor too."

"Right." He buried himself under a few blankets. "You've got it under control."

"Ha, I wish." Addison spoke softly, well aware that Mark couldn't hear her.

Mark and Addison arrived at the hospital within the hour. Both were a bit more exhausted than usual, but hoped that by the end of the day Addison would finally have a sense of closure, and in turn, finally get a full night's rest.

"Ahem." Callie approached, clearing her throat to get Addison's attention.

"What?" Addison felt her friend staring and began feeling self-conscious.

"Did you forget something last night?"

Addison began thinking of what she could have lost when she fainted, or if she had left something important in Dr. Harris' room. "Did I?"

"We were supposed to go for drinks, remember?"

"Oh, I'm sorry." Addison tried to sound apologetic, though she was actually quite relieved. "I completely forgot. Were you waiting long?"

"No, but I'm a newlywed who went into a bar by herself, so you better have a pretty good excuse."

"Isn't it kind of early to be this bitter?" Addison rolled her eyes. "I do have an excuse though." Mark appeared behind her and began massaging her shoulders. "Uh, Mark and I made up."

"I see that."

"Mark, please." Addison shook him off.

"She hates public displays of affection." Mark decided to mention this little tidbit to Callie. "It's no fun."

"Don't you have a face to reconstruct?" Callie remarked.

"Alright, alright. I see how it is." He smirked. "Add, just uh, page me later when you want to…you know." He tried to be discrete. "I have surgeries at noon and three, so just page me anytime before or after, okay?" He gently kissed her even though she had just told him to back off.

"Okay." Addison couldn't help but smile.

"He can't keep his hands off you." Callie spoke as soon as Mark was out of sight.

"He's Mark." Addison shrugged, walking away. "You know how he is."

"It's kind of cute though. Very high school."

"I guess so. Sorry again for missing you last night. We'll reschedule."

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It was 6:00 pm when Addison had finally mustered up enough courage and strength to approach Dr. Harris once again. She paged Mark, well aware that she wouldn't make the same mistake as yesterday by trying to talk to Harris on her own. Mark showed up about one minute after she had first paged him.  
"Hi." She smiled, wrapping her arms around him.

"I thought you didn't like public displays of affection." He teased.

"This is an exception." She clung to him.

"Addison." Mark whispered. "You're going to be fine." He held her close. "This will make you feel better."

"You promise?" She hated how vulnerable she was acting, but could not help it.

"Yeah."

"Okay." She pulled away. "And you'll be…"

"Right here." He finished her sentence.

Addison nodded, trying to smile. "Thank you." She replied, making her way into Dr. Harris' room. "Really, thank you."

Addison crept inside, hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. She sat down next to Harris' bed, neatly folding her hands on her lap. She watched his chest heaving slowly up and down, she listened to the steady beep of his heart monitor. He looked so peaceful; so serene. She didn't want to wake him, but also didn't want to sit in his room for the rest of the night. "Are you asleep?" She whispered, though he obviously was.

David Harris slowly opened his eyes. "Addison Forbes Montgomery." His voice was hoarse. "I didn't think you'd come."

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"Mark?" Derek casually walked up to David Harris' room. He planned on checking up on his patient, but was caught off guard when Mark was standing right outside of the door.

"Derek." Mark acknowledged his colleague.

"What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for Addison."

"You let her go in there alone?" He was clearly angered by the prospect.

"She wanted to." Mark noticed Derek turning around. "Derek, don't. It's not like he can hurt her."

"How would you know? You just found out about this whole thing what, yesterday? You have no idea what he's capable of."

"True, but I do know that the man just had brain surgery." He waited for a response. "Come on. She wants to do this on her own."

"Fine." He replied, leaning against the wall. "I'll just wait then."

"That's really not necessary. She knows I'm out here."

"Yeah well, I'll be here too."

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"I'm so glad you decided to stop by." Dr. Harris continued.

"Why."

"I've been thinking about you a lot lately, Addison. Wondering how you were…where you were." He took a moment to swallow. "I never heard from you after graduation."

"You raped me." She proclaimed. "I don't usually - "

"So when my doctor told me I had a tumor…" He completely disregarded what she had just said. "I decided to look up Derek Shepherd. Kill two birds with one stone, you know? Get the tumor removed by one of the best surgeons in the country, and hopefully find out a little more about you." A smile crept upon his face. "And then when I found out that you and Shepherd were in the same hospital…well, it turns out I killed three birds with one stone." He chuckled.

"What do you want?"

"I want to know how you're doing."

"You came all the way to Seattle to find out how I'm doing."

"Yes."

"That seems a little obsessive, don't you think?"

"How are you, Addison?" He repeated.

"I'm doing extraordinarily well." She decided a little white lie wouldn't hurt anyone. "My life is pretty damn perfect. Sorry to disappoint."

"Ah, it's so good to hear you say that."

"Excuse me?"

"All this time I've been feeling so guilty about what I did. I I thought that it would have had negative repercussions." He took a moment to compose his thoughts. "Turns out I was wrong."

"No, it did have negative repercussions. It did." She sounded a bit desperate.   
"Come now, you just said yourself that you're doing extraordinarily well." He grinned. "Thank you for clearing my conscience, Addison. You don't know what a relief it is after all these years."

"Why is this starting to feel like a competition?" Mark asked.

"Who was there the night this happened? You? I don't think so. You don't understand what she's going through right now."

"But you do."

"Yes, actually."

"Then why did she ask me to be here and not you?"

"Who's looking for a competition, now?" Derek muttered. "She didn't have to _ask_ me to be here. I just showed up."

"Kind of like how you 'showed up' during the last five years of your marriage?"  
"This isn't about our marriage!" Derek realized he was shouting.

"Stop." Addison interjected. "Just stop." She looked pale, her eyes empty; almost ghostly. She looked at the two men who stood before her. They were bickering as usual. Apparently competing over who would have the privilege of comforting her. Surprising enough, she wasn't angry. She wasn't exactly flattered either, but she had bigger issues on her mind.

"How'd it go?" Mark asked gently, interrupting her train of thought.

Addison blinked a few times, but did not speak.

"Addison?" Derek intervened. "What happened?"

"Um, I have to go." She turned around. "Thank you both for being here. Really. I just…I have to go."

"What?" Mark followed, taking hold of her arm. "Where?"

"I was paged." She nodded.

"Can't it wait? I mean, you were in there for a good 10 minutes, something must have happened."

The redhead stared back. Mark looked so concerned, and she could see Derek wasn't far behind. "We'll talk later." She forced a smile, leaving both men clueless. The truth was that she hadn't been paged; she just didn't want to deal with anyone. There was no way that she could possibly describe how awful she was feeling, and she didn't want to try. She had just helped the man who raped her. She had eased his guilt.

Addison stepped into the bathroom, splashing some cold water on her face. She took a few deep breaths, and checked her pulse to make sure that she was not going to faint again. She didn't know how long she was staring at her reflection until she noticed a figure behind her.

"Hey." Callie approached. "You look…really pale. Are you okay?"

"Want to reschedule for tonight?"

"Reschedule…?"

"Drinks. Tonight. Does that work for you?"

"Uh, yeah. It's fine."

"Great." Addison smiled, pulling herself away from the mirror. "I'll be there at nine."


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks again for all the reviews  I really appreciate it! So…this chapter is a bit angsty. Shrugs Can't avoid the angst sometimes. Addison isn't in the best place right now haha, but I promise you I'm going to help the girl out. Just give it a little time! **

**Chapter 8**

As promised, Callie arrived at the Emerald City Bar to meet Addison at 9:00. She was surprised to see that her friend had already arrived, drink in hand.

"I got off a little early, so I figured I'd get a head start." Addison smirked.

"Drowning your sorrows in liquor?" The brunette teased, hoping that her friend might choose to open up a bit.

"Eh, you could say that."

"Do you want to - "

"Talk about it?" Addison finished Callie's sentence. "No."

"Addison."

"Stop." She would not typically snap at her friend, but she already had a bit of alcohol in her system. "Either have a drink with me, or go home."

"Fine." Callie was not one to take such treatment from another person, but she could see that Addison was hurting. "Joe? Cranberry and vodka."

"That's better." The redhead grinned.

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Only about an hour and a half had passed, but Addison had already consumed far too many drinks. "You wanna know what I figured out?" She began.

"Uh, sure." The truth was that Callie was hardly interested in listening to any more of Addison's drunken ramblings.

"My life…is a joke." She slammed her glass down on the counter. "A biiiig joke." She massaged her temple. "Joe! Gimme another." She slurred.

"I think you've had enough." Callie interjected. She had cut herself off after two drinks, realizing that she needed to stay fairly sober for Addison's sake.

"But I - "

"Enough." The brunette repeated, this time a bit more firmly.

"You know what?"

"What."

"You're a good friend. You are!" She nodded. "I like you, Callie O'Malley." She suddenly looked stunned. "Did you know that your first and last name rhyme?"

"I'm aware, thanks." Callie was not amused.

"Well that's great. I'm jealous. Addison Montgomery doesn't rhyme." She seemed disappointed. "Addison Montgomery-Shepherd didn't rhyme either. Neither did - "

"Don't hurt yourself." The brunette's patience was wearing thin.

"What am I gonna do, Callie O'Malley?"

"About your name?"

"About my life!"

"Oh. Well, I wouldn't know since you won't tell me what happened today. I mean this morning you were fine, and now…I don't get it."

"Everybody just wants to talk these days!" Addison laughed. "Talk, talk, talk." Her eyes suddenly lit up. "Let's give 'em something to talk abouutttt…" She started singing the well known tune.

"Dear God, please don't sing."

"Let's give em something to figure out!"

"What's wrong, Addison?" Callie's stammered.

"You interrupted my song." She seemed hurt. "Why would you do that?"

"What's wrong?" The brunette's voice softened.

"Nothing. I just…it's been a bad day. An extraordinarily bad day."

"Do you want me to call Mark? You should really get home."

"No!" Addison protested. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Addison…"

"I said no!"

"Okay." Callie backed off. "It's okay."

"Don't tell me that!" Addison raised her voice. "Don't say its okay. Don't do that. Don't…don't do that." She began repeating herself. "Don't."

"Sweetie, lets get out of here, okay? We don't have to go home. Let's just go somewhere else."

"I don't want - "

"You're drunk. You don't know what you want." She took out her cell phone. "I'm calling a cab for us."

"Don't bother." A male voice cut in.

"Mark?" Addison cocked her head.

"Oh, thank God." Callie breathed a sigh of relief.

"I told her not to call you."

"She didn't." Mark turned around, finding Derek in the back corner.

"Derek called you?" Callie mouthed, clearly confused.

"Yeah, he did." Mark replied. "Addison we're going home."

"I don't want…I don't…I don't know what I want." She was disoriented.

"Come on, Addie." He gently took her arm, leading her down off the bar stool.

"What about Callie O'Malley?"

"I'll get a ride." Callie flashed a reassuring smile, and then focused her attention on Mark. "Take care of her."

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Once the two arrived back at the hotel, Mark helped Addison into the room and gently sat her down. He started unmaking the bed, hoping that she would be able to get some sleep.

"Mm, you're sweet." Addison smiled, acknowledging his kindness.

"Yeah." Mark replied dryly. He wasn't angry with Addison, just frustrated that she had not come to him before drinking the night away. "You need to get to bed."

"Wait, just wait." She protested. "Come here."

Mark complied, taking a seat next to his girlfriend on edge of the bed.

"You're being so nice to me." She smiled, cupping his face. "You should be rewarded." She leaned in, kissing him slowly. When she felt him kissing her back, however, she became much more passionate.

"Addison." Mark protested, breaking away from her.

"Oh, come on." She positioned herself on his lap, their lips meeting once again. She began unbuttoning his shirt, practically ripping off the top few buttons.

"Addie, STOP." He pushed her away, fixing his shirt.

"What, you don't want me?" Addison sneered. "You _always_ want me."

"Not like this." He shook his head. "I won't do this to you."

Addison looked Mark straight in the eye. "Who gives a shit about what you do to me?"

"What?" Mark moved closer to his girlfriend. "What do you mean by that?"

"Who really cares, Mark?! It doesn't matter!" She raised her voice. "Nothing brings me down." She laughed, delicately placing her hand on Mark's knee, slowly working her way up. "I'll make you feel good." She whispered.

As soon as Mark felt her touch, he practically jumped off the bed. "What did Harris say to you today?"

"Come on baby, don't kill the mood like that."

"What did he say." Mark spoke more firmly this time.

Addison stared back at her boyfriend. He looked so desperate…so lost. It was as if the only thing in the world that he wanted to do was help her, and he couldn't figure out how. She actually felt sorry for him for a few seconds, but still did not answer his question.

"What did he say!" Mark's frustration and desperation reached their peek, as he grabbed Addison by the shoulders, trying to shake an answer out of her. "I'm sorry." He backed off. "I'm…I'm sorry."

The redhead didn't respond, though she was visibly trembling. "Don't." She crossed her arms in front of her chest, no longer feeling the urges she had been pursuing just moments before. "It doesn't matter."

"No, it does matter. I'm so sorry."

"I don't care."

"You're stronger than that, Addison." Mark actually wanted her to yell at him. "Fight back."

"I'm not fighting with you."

"Fight back!" Mark felt tears welling up in his own eyes, but refused to cry.

"I don't care anymore!" She shouted, feeling a few fresh tears. "I don't care."

"Please tell me what happened today." He knelt down in front of her. "Please."

"It doesn't matter." She repeated.

"Yes it does." He took her hands. "To me, it does."

Although she could barely see straight, the pain in Mark's eyes was clear to Addison. "I cleared his conscience." She spoke softly.

"How?" Mark urged her to continue.

"I told him my life was perfect." She clenched her fists. "Why would I say that?"

"You wanted to impress him."

"It made him think that since I'm okay now…that he never hurt me in the first place." She buried her face in her hands. "But he did hurt me." She felt the force of her tears beginning to intensify, but didn't try and resist. "He did."

Mark brushed a few tears away from his own cheek, taking a seat next to Addison. "I know he did." He took her into his arms.

"You told me this would make it better." She broke away from Mark's embrace. "You promised me!"

"Add, this isn't my fault." He spoke to her as if she were a child, well aware that she wasn't in her right mind. "I couldn't have known how he would react."

"Now Harris doesn't have to feel guilty anymore." She felt her stomach beginning to tighten from crying too much. "He doesn't have to care."

"Are you going to be sick?" Mark questioned.

"So I don't want to care either. Not about him, not about anything."

"You don't know what you're saying." Mark took comfort in the fact that Addison was still under the influence.

"I'm so tired, Mark." She whimpered, crawling under the covers.

"I know you are."

"So tired." She repeated, closing her eyes. "No more talking."

"No more talking." He nodded. "Get some rest."

Mark waited around for a few minutes, but once he was confident that Addison had fallen asleep he made is way out into the hallway, finally allowing himself to break down. He hadn't remembered the last time he experienced such a wave of emotion, but couldn't bare to keep it in any longer. Addison's pain was now his pain as well. He determined that if he couldn't help her, he couldn't help himself. However, being helpless wasn't an option. He just needed a new plan.


End file.
